Thursday, May 21, 2009

Well really I always wear what I can afford

So there's this thing on fashion blogs right now where everyone is talking about their five always wears and five never wears. And it sounded like fun to come up with my list but then after about thirty seconds I realized that what I will or won't wear has less to do with personal style or trends and more to do with finding things that hide rather than flaunt my many many many body flaws.

So here's a partial primer to dressing me:

1)Skirts: Always wear a-line. I'm am most definitely pear-shaped. My waist is much smaller than my hips/thighs/ugh. I have a hard time with finding skirts that fit because if they are big enough to fit around my hips then the waist is huge and if I buy to fit my waist I end up not being able to get the skirt on and have to resort to pulling it down over my head and apparently too small breasts. And now that I'm thirty I've begun wearing skirts a little longer to the knee. Never wear any other style of skirt. Can't do it. Anything form fitting like a pencil skirt is horrendous and lumpy. Anything too short is trashy and shows off my huge thighs.

2) Dresses: Always wear shift dresses. It's basically the same thing as above. I need a dress that accentuates my waist but it can't have a skirt that flares out too much because I'm already bottom heavy. And I can't wear anything too long because I'm not tall and long dresses look dumpy on me. Never wear any other style of dress. A few current trends I can't enjoy: maxi dresses, sack dresses, drop waist flapper dresses, tunic style dresses, and the list goes on.

3)Pants/jeans: Always wear wide legs. I don't think wide leg trousers look especially good on me but it's better than my other choices which is skinny cut where I can show off every bump of fat and cut off my circulation, no seriously, or the in between mom style pants, which, you know, no. Never wear the above mentioned alternatives.

4)Shirts: Always wear semi shapeless blouses in prints or bright colors. Oh guess why? Firstly, the colors and prints add visual interest to draw the eye away from my bottom half. Plus anything too form fitting, um, well you can see my form and I want to avoid that. However, if I take it to the extreme and wear a loose or babydoll style top I look pregnant or heavier than I am which I guess makes me even with my lower half but I'm trying to look smaller not bigger. In summary, never wear babydoll tops, tight fitting skirts, or loose fitting shirts.

5)Wild card! Always wear a cardigan, coat, jacket, snowsuit. I always feel like I need an extra layer even in summer. It helps me feel less vulnerable/naked, keeps me warm in winter, further hinders the ability of others to determine my shape, and helps me hide how terrible my clothes look together because I had to pin my skirt in the back so it would fit my waist and my blouse ended up being too...blousy. Never wear shorts! Not since I was twelve. It doesn't look good on other people so I would never try it on myself. Most peopole have unattractive legs, and end up looking trashy, slutty, etc. It doesn't seem like a classy grown up look to me. I'm not going to do it and I want you to stop too. If you are hot wear a skirt and if that skirt is short for the love of god wear shorts or tights underneath it.

So I'm boring, I'm limited, but you know what to get me for Christmas.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The know-nothing bohemians

I'm thinking more and more about the clothing I've been attracted to lately and my last post. And then I realized how dumb i am. Because i was trying so hard to distance myself from the hippie dippie bohemian fashion that I've always loathed, my brain completely blanked out on what I was so obviously trying to think of. The word I lost was : nautical. yeah, not Americana. So I'll repeat just to be clear. I'm into 1970s nautical. what?!? I never thought I'd think, type, or utter those words. I just want to be comfortable. But also classic so I don't have to worry about looking shluppy.

so I found some style icons. Of course there's the above Ali Mcgraw of Love Story fame. She isn't nautical but she looks so relaxed and classic. I also like a less tomboyish version of Donna from that 70s show, maybe because we're both redheads. Er, at least we used to be both redheads... She looks perfect like this:

I also really like this random chick I found on flicker (thanks random chick). I love wearing dresses in warm months and I would definitely wear this in my real life.

And finally another dress option from another flicker girl. I'm sorry flicker girl #1 and #2 for forgetting your names and being too lazy to look you up. Thank you for not suing me for telling everyone how lovely your clothing is.

I have to find my camera wire doohickey so I can upload pics of my attempts to add my own creative interpretation to this style.

Monday, May 4, 2009

So who am I going to be this season?

All winter long I kept dressing in an almost exclusive palette of pink and cream and black and grey. sometimes I'd get crazy and through in a little lavendar accessory like nail polish or a ribbon in my hair. I called the look "1920s ballerina on her day off". All ribbons and frills and pastels mixed with maybe a femmed up version of tuxedo wear. Lots of ballet flats. I wore some dresses and skirts but mostly i kept wearing the same pair of grey pants because they fit so well and i outgrew my denim. It was all pretty inappropriate for winter even though it was buried under a cream colored coat. Brrrr.

Well I'm sick of all the ribbons and pearls now. I just moved and have been renovating a house so I haven't been thinking about fashion at all. I have no idea what's in style right now. Well, to be fair, I never really know what's in style. It's usually something that doesn't flatter me anyway. But I have been buying clothes and I'm starting to see a trend developing out of my purchases. First off, I bought a pair of jeans that actually fit. They are the high waisted wide leg trouser style that I used to hate. But they are so comfortable and they make me look thinner. Which is way better than the sausage casing of my old jeans. Something like this:

And I've noticed that I've been making purchases in red, a previously hated color. I'm also finding myself drawn to white and blue. Especially primary colored floral tops with elastic waists and interesting sleeves. Well, you'll see what I mean when I get my camera up and running. Basically, I'm into what I can only describe as non hippie 70s americana. If that can exist. i don't know. It's all come as a shock to me. But surprisingly, so far, it's season appropriate.