Thursday, May 21, 2009

Well really I always wear what I can afford

So there's this thing on fashion blogs right now where everyone is talking about their five always wears and five never wears. And it sounded like fun to come up with my list but then after about thirty seconds I realized that what I will or won't wear has less to do with personal style or trends and more to do with finding things that hide rather than flaunt my many many many body flaws.

So here's a partial primer to dressing me:

1)Skirts: Always wear a-line. I'm am most definitely pear-shaped. My waist is much smaller than my hips/thighs/ugh. I have a hard time with finding skirts that fit because if they are big enough to fit around my hips then the waist is huge and if I buy to fit my waist I end up not being able to get the skirt on and have to resort to pulling it down over my head and apparently too small breasts. And now that I'm thirty I've begun wearing skirts a little longer to the knee. Never wear any other style of skirt. Can't do it. Anything form fitting like a pencil skirt is horrendous and lumpy. Anything too short is trashy and shows off my huge thighs.

2) Dresses: Always wear shift dresses. It's basically the same thing as above. I need a dress that accentuates my waist but it can't have a skirt that flares out too much because I'm already bottom heavy. And I can't wear anything too long because I'm not tall and long dresses look dumpy on me. Never wear any other style of dress. A few current trends I can't enjoy: maxi dresses, sack dresses, drop waist flapper dresses, tunic style dresses, and the list goes on.

3)Pants/jeans: Always wear wide legs. I don't think wide leg trousers look especially good on me but it's better than my other choices which is skinny cut where I can show off every bump of fat and cut off my circulation, no seriously, or the in between mom style pants, which, you know, no. Never wear the above mentioned alternatives.

4)Shirts: Always wear semi shapeless blouses in prints or bright colors. Oh guess why? Firstly, the colors and prints add visual interest to draw the eye away from my bottom half. Plus anything too form fitting, um, well you can see my form and I want to avoid that. However, if I take it to the extreme and wear a loose or babydoll style top I look pregnant or heavier than I am which I guess makes me even with my lower half but I'm trying to look smaller not bigger. In summary, never wear babydoll tops, tight fitting skirts, or loose fitting shirts.

5)Wild card! Always wear a cardigan, coat, jacket, snowsuit. I always feel like I need an extra layer even in summer. It helps me feel less vulnerable/naked, keeps me warm in winter, further hinders the ability of others to determine my shape, and helps me hide how terrible my clothes look together because I had to pin my skirt in the back so it would fit my waist and my blouse ended up being too...blousy. Never wear shorts! Not since I was twelve. It doesn't look good on other people so I would never try it on myself. Most peopole have unattractive legs, and end up looking trashy, slutty, etc. It doesn't seem like a classy grown up look to me. I'm not going to do it and I want you to stop too. If you are hot wear a skirt and if that skirt is short for the love of god wear shorts or tights underneath it.

So I'm boring, I'm limited, but you know what to get me for Christmas.

1 comment:

  1. I love this blog. It is just what I always wanted.